Kelly Green Warpath

Dear Brian,
Welcome to the Warpath. May your resume be clean and your stay with us long and profitable to all parties. May your tenure be (in order of importance) full of wins, free of scandal, and fun to watch. May you someday know the ring size of multiple fingers on your hand. May you be blessed with an uncanny ability to impress high school players, coaches, teachers, and moms with an energetic and magnetic personality that suggests you are the ultimate molder of men, deliverer of titles, and launching pad toward playing on Sunday. May 5 star recruits line up to play with you like frosh girls at the YoCream machine, and may they all live up to the hype (the recruits that is). May you stop the run. May you hire an incredible Defensive Coordinator who can stop time, stop a train, stop anything. May you show us what the term “schematic advantage” really means. May you consistently demonstrate mastery of whatever college football throws your way in terms of arcane clock stoppage and other meddling rules. May your tenure be blessed with a procession of quality Quarterbacks longer than a post game drive back to Chicago. May your players find the endzone efficiently and often, may they be willing to run through walls for you, and may we all believe that they could actually do it. May we lament an excessive celebration penalty every once in awhile. May you be as successful as Harbaugh at beating Pete Carroll, without being such an ass about it. May you embrace our tradition boldly, while not letting it deter you from accomplishing anything else wished for you here. May you never think the green jerseys are a good idea. Ever. May you laugh sarcastically at the thought of joining a conference. May you end the conversations about our relevance. May we rise from the ashes, return to glory, rise and strike, and everything else ever printed on the Shirt. May you someday be a statue. Give us what we want and we will love you forever.  May it all come true.